A Heartfelt Exchange with Dad on Loss, Grief, and Growth

I wanted to share a conversation I had with my dad the recently because we have been having more and more conversations like this recently.  

He posted this on facebook, which I thought was very profound: 

Me: I loved your Facebook post for Billy Dee. I’m sorry you’re carrying the weight of another friend lost. I don’t know if I ever met him or not, you both knew so many people 😅 but I’m crying from the stories you shared, even though I know I’ve heard those stories before, but it hits different now. And I can FEEL how much he meant to not just you but the people who keep popping up on my facebook that knew him. I love when you share from the heart. I just wanted to let you know that. I love you! 

Dad: Thanks, amazing how something hits, feels like it just picks up where the last blows left off. I put your thoughts too on the comparisons. Really hit hard because his kids now have lost both parents. Their mom died 3 years ago in a car accident. Looked at the texts when I was sending comfort and usually checked in upon occasion.

Me: Well that part meant a lot to me too. It made me feel seen and heard in a way that I haven’t in a long time so thank you for that. It’s just like you said, it’s not worse or a competition, it’s just being able to hold space for others without overtaking their moments and how they’re experiencing grief. Just like I’ve said before, I will never understand your loss and even when you understand mine it will still be different just as it will be when I try to comfort you. And Ross and jodee and Gav and I are all experiencing something different. It’s just wild. But that definitely meant a lot to me. And I love when others are just as protective or see the ones we love as we do. I agree that you definitely set a bar as far as being a dad and a husband go. I’m so proud of you. You have a bigger and wider reach than you give yourself credit for. You were/are more important than to just her. And definitely more than just your good looks and kindness. The crazy ladies change when you start to see yourself as more than the crazy whisperer. 😜 as in you are more than your patience and ability to forgive and forget. More than a body guard at the parties. It’s why I’m relentless at nagging you towards certain things. Your gaze and attention can actually move mountains for people when you are paying attention 🥰 I love you. Thanks again for sharing

Dad: That’s one thing I could never try and relate to the loss of you kids and mom. Especially when you all at certain parts lost her time and time again even when she was here. So I get each individuals is different, just as my loss and grief has changed and morphed with greater understanding and forgiveness. 

I appreciate your continued support and acknowledging the things I have a hard time seeing in myself. Every day getting closer… it’s also why I haven’t been in hurry to find someone, still trying to discover and be me and happy to live out the days as me. Therefore attracting similar and not losing myself chasing and trying to please someone else and focus on their problems instead of mine by trying to solve them.

Me: It’s hard but it’s also kinda fun…not having to be responsible for anyone but yourself. To just go do whatever you feel like without checking in with anyone. I miss it sometimes haha but I love that you are doing that for yourself most of all. It’s not as bad as the world says it is. And you’re only lonely if you believe that you’re alone. And you’re pretty good company if I do say so myself. I think that’s what therapy helped me see a lot too. I really do enjoy my own company and I don’t mind spending most of the day with just myself. I get a lot more done that way. As you probably already know just by jobs and what not. So I get what you mean and I love LOVE that for you 🥰

I have been working with my dad these past few years on quite a few different things, specifically with how we both process emotions. They’re just so different. I need a lot of validation and have been beating it out of him with spontaneous bombshells that I know he’s not always in the mood to hear. 

They’re inspired blocks of thought for sure, and I almost feel sorry for him that I’ve dont it so often but it’s hard to regret because of how far we have come. 

This conversation, I just keep going back to re-read. He’s a different dad than the one I grew up with. Heck! He’s a different dad than I had at the beginning of the year! So much acknowledgment in this conversation that I can’t help but brag about it! 

I actually don’t care if anyone ever sees this particular conversation but I always want to remember it.